Coming out was one of the scariest things I ever did, yet it was also one of the most rewarding thing too. I'd been lying to myself for over 10 years before I finally came out to myself let alone others. By that time I was 22, and had felt like my life wasn’t my own. Like many I felt this overwhelmed fear of rejection and had allowed it to take control and have power over me. I had though more of what others may think, and not of my own happiness.
I grew up in a small conservative town in Pennsylvania where any different or diversity was note seen favorably by most. I had attended a Catholic school for K-12 and thought that the only option for me was to hid away my true self and become the image of what I had thought was expected of me to become. I guess a part of me always knew I was gay, but it wasn't until I was around 10 that I actually realized this inner truth and understood what it meant. After this revelation though I buried my feelings deep with in myself vowing never to reveal them to the world. So, I in short I decided I would be "normal."
As the years went by I was in constantly denying any thoughts I had to myself as well as to the constant questions from my peers. Every time I felt the words "yes I'm gay" almost reach the tip of my tongue I would fast swallow them and carry on living a strangers life. By the end of this chapter of lies I had lived I will admit I was incredibly depressed and felt honestly guilty for the web of lies I strode that I did consider just end it. I felt completely alone, and I didn't know where to turn or who to talk to all the while still smiling and caring on my day as normal. I was drifting out to see and I needed a life boat since I was sinking....
A huge step for me was when I finally came out to myself. For anyone who hasn't experienced this feeling first hand believe me when I say this is a hard first step. I ended up actually writing myself a letter where I wrote down everything and every thought I had over my lifetime. It worked, so now that I am out to myself the next step is to come out to someone else. But who?
I feel that when first coming out people typically choose a friend that they feel will respond positively and who will also be accepting. However for me I felt at the time that I couldn't turn to any of my friends to be that rock for me due to the fact that this strangers life that I found myself living in had a girlfriend who's friends groups comprised of the same people. I feared that many of them might turn away from me, or worse tell my girlfriend at the time the truth and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. So this then leads me to ask myself the next question, "Who has always been supportive of me, been a shoulder to cry on, and my rock?"
ANSWER: MY MOM....
Now I already knew that my mother would be accepting, she had never given me any reason to believe otherwise. Yet it took me about six months to get the nerve to tell her. Every time I would attempt to tell her my mind would be screaming what I wanted to say, however my mouth would not open. I was petrified! it would only be after she left the room that a tear would run down my cheek, and I'd ask myself again and again "Why can't I tell her?" and "Will I ever be able to?"
The reason why I was having such a difficult time getting the words out was not because of fear of rejection, but instead I was fearful of causing my mother pain. My mom was a single mom and I feared that she would blame herself for me being gay. Would she blame herself for not having a male figure around when I was growing up? I already know that she does blame herself for not giving my sister and I a good father, so I guess my mind got the best of me. However in reality she only wished I had not internalized this and had to go through it on my own....
And it should also come at no surprise to any mothers out there but as always my mom can tell if there is something wrong. In fact she beat me to the question trying to figure out what was going on. Now I will tell you that this wasn’t the first time she asked me this in my life, but this was the first time I was finally honest and let my truth run free. I can not explain the amount of relief one feels when the secret you have kept for so long is out there and you are finally free from it and the fear you once had vanishes away as though it never existed. It is kind of like feeling that the weight of the world finally is off your shoulders and this is the first ever real breath of air that you've taken in our life.What a relief....
After my mom I came out to a few friends, my sister, some family members, and lets not forget my chosen family. It is so hard to believe this was only four years ago, but now I am in control over my life as well as I've seized that power that once held me back for me. Now I can be true to myself… and now I have a voice!
Your truly,
Nicklas
No comments:
Post a Comment